alea iacta esto

All Hail The Monkey

Imagine evolution had left us two stumps for hands. Stumps that could barely touch our belly buttons let alone rub our dicks. Hell, we wouldn’t be able to masturbate. First, let’s look at the positives: for one thing, there’d be less porn. I think it’s a reasonable assumption that porn is mostly used for masturbation. Less porn would mean less sex trafficking and less, or even no, sexual exploitation of women. That’s got to be good.

Secondly we’d be more productive at work. How? In my case, since I gave up porn, I’ve been sleeping more. I used to stay up for at least an hour every night searching for that cute ass or face or cock or even breasts that would lift my orgasm to a new plateau. It was like a drug. It wasn’t that I hadn’t seen the cute bodies before or that my collection of masturbatory photos wasn’t extensive enough; it was that, I had viewed these visuals way too often and I craved something new, something novel, fresh meat. But since I gave up porn, I have stopped going to bed with my laptop. Lights out means just that and I now enjoy an extra hour of beauty sleep. I’m more clear-headed at work and absolutely more productive.

Yet another reason why an inability to masturbate might be good is that the Church would be happy. The mean spirited fucks might leave us alone. And the final good reason: the tax payer would be so happy because he wouldn’t have to fork out disability insurance since there’d be fewer incidences of teenagers going blind.

Every coin has two faces so every action has consequences. So what are the downsides? First, if we couldn’t masturbate there’d be more madness. Our streets would be full of insane men harassing women and pretty boys. The lack of cum drives men mad. A man simply has to cum every day. Secondly, people would have to interact more. Not to make friends but to fuck. A higher rate of casual sex leads to recklessness and higher incidences of STD.

Thirdly, men would have to rape. Animals do it, why wouldn’t we? Next downside: more homos. (An upside if you like it that way). More homos won’t go down well with the Church of England but the Catholic Church probably wouldn’t mind. The most serious global problem from men not being able to wank though might be overpopulation. Since men would have to fuck all the time, so babies, babies and more babies would be born. Finally, we men could be forced to kill to win the right to share the bed of a woman or another man. Desperate times call for desperate measures, you know. When all the accounts are totted up, it is definitely a grand thing that we can pretty much spank the monkey as often as we like. Evolution is God.

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